The UK is in the midst of a widely aired but undemocratically executed crackdown on “porn” – and I quote-mark that because we’re talking about things as innocuous as spanking scenes. And as the tempestuous, stormy, steamy UK election debate unfolds, bear in mind that this is a practice that some sitting UK representatives feel should be reintroduced in British schools, but banned from British screens, be they TV or PC.

So, I guess, in the world-view of someone like UKIP MEP Bill Etheridge, anyone wanting to get their jollies off on spankings should head down to their local place of education, to take advantage of the opportunities that were denied to Brits by a back-door amendment to the 2003 Communications Act, in the shape of the Audiovisual Media Services Regulations 2014. (And please note also that this is the same man who was evicted from the UK Conservative Party after posing with a golliwog doll to send a message about political correctness, and who has praised Hitler as a “magnetic and forceful” speaker. That’s the caliber of elected representative that the UK public apparently backs right now.)

Just to recapitulate (sounds perverted, I know, but bear with me), under the new, undebated, regulations, UK porn creators, whether cinematic/DVD or online, can now no longer depict spanking or caning, physical restraint or humiliation, or even female ejaculation. (God forbid, indeed, that women should be shown actually enjoying sex.) Pity poor Anastasia Steele: she’d have had a hard time getting off in these circs …

And here’s the brutal, amoral financial calculations that should compel a business-friendly libertarian administration like the hopefully-just-evicted UK Tory-LibDem pact to repeal these draconian, undemocratic, and utterly ridiculous censorship laws. Comcast, whose subsidiary brought us the risible but bankable film adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey, actually made more money from that film ($569 million worldwide to date, and counting) than it lost ($336 million) through its failed merger with TWC. And even though the sex scenes in the movie ranged from anodyne to sedative, there was definitely some suggestion of butts being beaten. And according to The Economist, no less, the movie grossed (sic.) more than any previous adult-rated movie on its opening weekend. Clearly, Brits back butts with bucks.

E.L. James is now rivaling J.K. Rowling as Britain’s most bankable author, earning some £33 million ($50.2 million) in 2014 alone. And even if wands of the Ollivanders variety probably have a larger potential market than wands of the violet variety, you can see some of the impact in spinoff marketing, merchandising, and brand association from the Fifty Shades phenomenon here and here. The sort of things that any Tory politician, or backer, would probably love to have in their home – though some at least not on public view. And with Big Media and the UK Establishment full on behind the creative sector in general, following Britain’s most successful literary phenomenon for ostensible adults in recent years you’d think they’d do everything they could to … ahem … flog a great British cultural export till the pips squeak, and facilitate follow-ons. After all, as the UK Creative Industries Council proclaims, “the UK is where culture meets commerce and great creative success stories begin.” Even those with a little high-impact massage thrown in …

So, Brits, vote for onscreen spanking. Oops, silly me: no you can’t. Because the Labour Party has also lined up behind the same policy. So you’ve been denied your democratic rights without any open debate or opportunity for democratic choice. What a loss to the UK creative sector, eh…

 

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