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Sitting here in New Jersey, 40 miles due west of New York City, on a couple of acres of ground with a lot of trees and nature stuff, I’ve brought in my summer outdoor plants, secured the barbeque, filled the washing machine and bathtub with water, and done all sorts of other arcane things to prepare.  But I never thought about the horror of this, as pointed out by The Borowitz Reoprt:

As Hurricane Irene prepared to batter the East Coast of the United States, federal disaster officials warned that Internet outages caused by the storm could force people to interact with other people for the first time in years.

News of the possible interpersonal interactions created panic up and down the coast as residents braced themselves for the horror of awkward silences and unwanted eye contact.

And as officials warned people in the hurricane zone to stay indoors, residents feared the worst: conversations with members of their immediate family.

At the Federal Emergency Management Agency, FEMA chief Craig Fugate offered these words of advice for those who may be forced into direct contact with other human beings: “Be prepared.  Write down possible topics to talk about in advance.  Sports is a good one, and of course the weather.  Remember, a conversation is basically a series of Facebook updates strung together.”

He also offered these words of hope for those trapped interacting with other people due to an Internet outage: “At some point, the wifi will go back on, and hopefully you won’t have to go through anything like this again for a long, long time.”

Thank the Gods of the Internet that my wife is gone for this weekend!!!  What was her name?  After Irene passes I’ll do a Google search for it.

 

2 COMMENTS

  1. “…could force people to interact with other people for the first time in years.” Jeez. Like we’ve been living jacked into little Matrix bubbles, and the hurricane is about to release us all. You sure Borowitz didn’t get this from The Onion?

  2. As someone who has lived through many hurricanes, tropical storms, and ice storms with no power for up to weeks at a time, I can assure people that they will smell so bad that no one will get close enough to them to talk. Also, the incredible amount of time and effort it takes to do simple things like preparing food with no power keeps you so busy and exhausted that grunting at each other will be considered intellectual conversation. Good luck to everyone in the path of Irene.

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