More from ‘Most amusing’

I have quoted the “Most amusing (or astonishing) text you’ve come across” thread at the Distributed Proofreaders forums before. Here are some more choice quotes from books that will appear at Project Gutenberg soon(ish).

From ‘The Cornwall Coast’:

Perhaps there should be some memorial of the Rev. John Collins, who, during the Commonwealth days, practised here as a physician, having been ejected from his living at Illogan. His diary proves how well he deserved remembrance. One entry tells how he “did this day administer X to old Mrs. Jones for her ague.” Then, the following day: “Called on Mrs. Jones, and found she had died during the night in much agony. N.B.–Not use X again.”

and …

The author of “Beowulf–An Introduction to the study of the Poem” applying logic to myths:

“For why, it might be urged, should the wrenching off of an arm have been fatal to so tough a monster?”

and …

From Household stories by the Brothers Grimm:

“Good morning, Grethel.”

“Good morning, Hans. What have you brought me to-day?”

“I have brought nothing, but I want to take away something.”

Then Grethel said to Hans,

“You shall take away me.”

Then Hans took Grethel, and tied a rope round her neck, and led her home, and fastened her up to the manger, and went to his mother.

“Good evening, mother.”

“Good evening, Hans. Where have you been?”

“To Grethel’s, mother.”

“What did you take her, Hans?”

“Nothing, mother.”

“What did Grethel give you, Hans?”

“Nothing but herself, mother.”

“Where have you left Grethel, Hans?”

“I led her home with a rope, and tied her up to the manger to eat hay, mother.”

“That was very stupid of you, Hans. You should have cast sheep’s eyes at her.”

“All right, mother! I’ll do better next time.”

Then Hans went into the stable, and taking all the eyes out of the sheep, he threw them in Grethel’s face. Then Grethel was angry, and getting loose, she ran away and became the bride of another.

If only they had had E-Bay and Fox TV in the Olden Time:

From “The olden time series, v. 4: Quaint and Curious Advertisements”:

THOMAS TOUCHWOOD, GENT.,

Proposes, on the last day of the present month, to shoot himself by subscription. His life being of no farther use to himself or his friends, he takes this method of endeavouring to turn his death to some account; and the novelty of the performance, he hopes, will merit the attention and patronage of the publick.

He will perform with two pistols, the first shot to be directed through his abdomen, to which will be added another through his brain, the whole to conclude with staggering convulsions, grinning, &c., in a manner never before publickly attempted.

The doors to be opened at eight, and the exhibition to begin precisely at nine. Particular places, for that night only, reserved for the ladies. No money to be returned, nor half price taken. Vivant Rex et Regina.

N. B. Beware of counterfeits and impostors.–The person who advertises to hang himself the same night, in opposition to Mr. Touchwood, is a taylor, who intends only to give the representation of death by dancing in a collar, an attempt infinitely inferior to Mr. T.’s original and authentic performance.

All this and more, soon at a Project Gutenberg mirror near you!